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We have gotten a lot of questions or comments from people regarding our choice to pursue adoption. I thought it would be helpful to share a bit more about our heart and motivation to add to our family via adoption.
Q: Why don’t you just try and have another biological child?
A: Yes. Fertility has not been an issue for us, thankfully. We have been very blessed to have our three boys with minimal complications. However, we have talked about adoption for years, prior to even having the boys. We even were registered to attend an adoption orientation and the day of the orientation had a positive pregnancy test. It just seems like the “stars are aligned” to choose adoption now. God’s timing – not ours. Adoption is a much more difficult road for us to choose. It involves more financial sacrifice, anxiety in the waiting, and many unknowns. However, we have many reasons we feel led to adopt.
C: You’ve got your hands full!
A: This one is often said to us from strangers out in public, such as grocery shopping. Occasionally, we get compliments about how well behaved our children are along with this comment. As if that makes it less judgmental?? Recently, we had a woman in the checkout line behind us say “you have such a beautiful family.” I thanked her for kindness and told her that we often get judgmental comments and she again said, “well I think your family is beautiful.” Yes, we have children all very close in age. We love it. It works for us. Sure – there are crazy moments, but we truly believe that would be the case no matter if our kids were a year apart or 10 years apart. Parenting is a beautiful, challenging, messy, rewarding journey!
Q: Why are you doing a private infant domestic adoption?
A: We have explored almost all the options for adopting, except international adoption. We did not feel this option was a good fit for us as it would require going overseas for several weeks, leaving our current littles without their mom and dad for that time. It also would have been a closed adoption, and we are pro-open adoption for all persons in the adoption triad (birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptee). We attended about a half dozen adoption orientations at different agencies to get information, see if we were eligible, and pray about a decision. We also asked friends and acquaintances who had adopted about their experiences. In the end, private adoption with Adoption Associates seemed to be the best support for birth parents and fit for us.
Q: So you wouldn’t adopt an older child then?
A: We would happily adopt an older child. That was one of the options we looked at – adopting children from foster care, many of whom are older. Our agency, AAI, primarily has birth parents seeking to make an adoption plan during pregnancy. Our agency is aware of our willingness to adopt beyond just an infant, as well as our willingness to adopt multiples. We have had a few “word of mouth” possible matches happen- all of them for a child or children who were not infants. One was a sibling set that was preschool and kindergarten aged, and two separate preschool aged kids.
Q: You don’t want a boy then?
A: Of course, we want a boy – we have three! However, part of the adoption home study process is setting our preferences as an adoptive family. This includes lots of education, background checks, reference checks, and decision making. We decided we are open to most substance exposure, mental health conditions, safe delivery, open relationship with birth parents, and race. We only specified gender – female only. If a birth parent was seeking to make an adoption plan for multiples, our agency has it noted that we are open to that, if one of the children is female. We love having three amazing boys, but we want a little girl to give them sass and be protected by them. We are very aware of the injustices that women still experience in our society today and feel that choosing to adopt a female is one means of helping a girl have a voice, be strengthened, and encouraged.
Q: You are going to be done then once you “get your girl/complete your family”, right?
A: I’m not sure why people think this is any of their business, it’s my reproductive health after all. But, to answer the question, we don’t know. We don’t know what life with 4 kids looks and feels like until we are living it. We have not done any permanent method of birth control and we have talked about still adopting again. There are too many unknowns and we don’t have a crystal ball for the future. I have commented that I would love to have a very large family, like 6 or 8 kids, but I’m not sure how realistic that is.